Dying

When i say i want to die, u know, i don't really. I just feel it would be nice if i am dead at this instance, then i can rest as much as i want, geez what a lazy slut i am.... Apart from the very bad situation i'm in now, with all that skin problems, i generally still love my life here, although everything is like not in control and wiggle woggle all the time, it is interesting.

Before i came here, whenever i feel like dying, i would start thinking which way to get there. Crazy little me used to write about my own suicide process, like how i press the cold blade onto my throbbing veins, blood flow out of the wound and roam across the table.... which is funny when i think about it now. The main purpose actually, is because writing this can help me to practice on my essay. But the feeling of writing my own suicide essay is quite unique, so dizzy and deep into imagination i was, and then there comes the feeling like i'm insane.

But anyhow, i never point a knife on my wrist or feel like want to jump down from my balcony, i still treasure my life, for my parents and this world that is sometimes beautiful. Sometimes when we feel like dying and then we see something so beautiful, it touches our heart and makes us regret.

My sem 4 print making record. Project 1

Burden 3

Burden 1




Burden 2


Tests.

I like these hands. Well, din get to use em tho.

My first attempt in tone etching and rubbing.

All the limbs in a line. Super fast rubbing! =D

Fail: Both colo and etch board has the same size.

Etched tones.

Rubbed tones.

Without tones.

These are my print making artworks for my second year, 4th semester. I wanted to do local fairy tales as my main theme at first, but i feel so unexcited when i have everything fixed down, so i decided to throw that away and try to start by doing experiments. I love the effects of etching, so i conduct experiments using etching, mainly using hard ground. Next, is to find something to combine with etching. Monoprint was too strong, it is mostly good enough by itself and i can't control it to be the same everytime i print them. So i merge it with colograph, which worked! And then what continues is endless rubbing on those boards. Quite a nightmare, but i love them still.

Burden series- The idea was not with me when i started, it just grow when i move along in making them. It is about how we pick up burdens in our life, we think it is something protective to us, but it is making us into weird creatures.

My parents

As i walk along the road to school, it was shiny, everything looks the same as i left it on Friday, the only difference is how the sun looks at them. The shadows are long and purple.

This is it, the path to art and design, and i'm walking on it. I thought of my parents somehow, they used to say, 'It's alright even if you ended up as a factory worker or a hawker, different kinds of man power is needed in this society.' They love me dearly i know, and i believe they love me more than any other parents would love their child. The knowledge they gave me, rides inside me until now, this is how i feel they are different. I even feel weird when i still look through these eyes of mine like everyone else, but feel and touch this world in a distinctive way, in my parent's way.

My parents are not highly educated, they barely made it through primary school, however, the way they look at life is so complete and i can tell they are still learning. Sometimes they just have to stop and reconsider their decisions, to think and learn from a situation they have never imagined. I think this is something not everyone is capable of, most of the times people just stick onto what they believe in and never try to accept anything else. People tend to condemn things or situations, make things impossible or create sharp edges. To my parents, anything is possible and they are just capable to make every edges soft.

Now that i'm 400km away from them, their presence in my heart are clearer than ever and i would want to keep and protect them no matter where i go.

meeting Tew Nai Tong

We were assigned to have an interview with any local artist, and like any college students would, we looked for the one nearest to us. We thought it's going to be scary, nervous we were, wondering outside the house of the artist, dare not ring the bell. And here goes Sin Joe, my classmate, heading straight with no fear. Well, actually, its just like having tea with an artist, he was very friendly and was like our teacher.

Washed by time, his hair was greyish white, fair and loose skin with heavy eye pockets, looks great when smilling. There was one thing he said that keep on ringing in my mind. The time he chose to become an artist was not perfect, artists were poor and unsuccessful, but he still choose to be an artist. He thinks that he gets to live this life no matter he is poor or rich, he still get this one life, one and only life, and he loves drawing enough to give up any other materialistic reasons. This is something i dare not think about sometimes, i was thinking this way, but i never get to the bottom.

Well, besides this, we had a lot of talk and photo sessions that were very interesting. He said we should stick on to something that we love to do and work hard on it, he really mean stick to only ONE thing. The process to finding ur right path is difficult, we have to work hard for about 8 years, and get our butt into exhibitions and throwing exhibitions, be active. Since i moved on to this place, to the art school, i never really did completely let go of my original path, the path i was expected to move on to. I occasionally turn back to imagine, what would i have become if i didn't change, am i going the right way after all? I was not brave enough to live for art, i hope to change, to gather my courage.

Eczema

And i scratch till i bleed, actually it's just like opening the seal of my flesh to get the blood out. It's not what i like to do, really, but i don't know how to stop it. The doctor said it's pressure and gave me steroid cream and some medicine, that caused my eyes to get allergy.

And so i thought, am i doing this to myself to get attention from other people? or am i asking for others to pity me? I don't understand. Sometimes i scratch until my hand feels sore. Every time i try to hold them back, stop scratching myself, it will work for a day or two, and i can't stand it when the itch becomes overwhelming, and all the blood seals will be opened again. Dead skin cells and blood on my fingernails and clothes and even my bed sheet.

People tells me, i have to believe that my skin will recover, THEN it will recover, it didn't work, maybe i don't know how to believe. When i'm in the middle of some work, i will even stop everything and concentrate to stop me from scratching.

You know, the part that i hate most in this eczema thing, is when i have to bath, the water hurts me, the shampoo sting my flesh.

I pray, that eczema will leave me alone soon, and i can look back at this blog someday, wearing a short skirt and a smile. :)

print playing 1#

What i did after print making, can't finish the printing colors that i took out and i think it'd be such a wast to just throw it away, so i make these :-) These are just a part of what i did, others were left at school. I love these, hope i can make them into something one day

brush teeth

Yay~ i found what i wana do for my portrait painting! Hm, i like this idea a lot, and so i shall try my best to do well in this. cheers to myself!